Does It Hurt To Be An Idiot?
by Renebre
Summary: Hermione takes up yoga, Ron spouts Shakespeare, Harry cuts his toenails. Short, light fic. Sort of like cucumbers in a salad.


AN: I got bored with the excessive angst I've been spewing lately, and decided to try something lighter. The ending is a bit weak. For the sake of the story, assume that Ginny and Draco are together. I hope you enjoy it. I hope that you review. I hope that if you don't enjoy it and you decide to flame, you flame with logic. I like logic.

Summary : Hermione takes up yoga, Ron spouts Shakespeare, and Harry cuts his toenails. 

_____________

**DOES IT HURT TO BE AN IDIOT?**

"I'm taking up yoga." Hermione announced.

Ron blinked. "Why yoga?"

Hermione tossed her head. "Because. Yoga is a marvellous way of refocusing your energy. I believe it will help me study better."

"Yea." Harry snorted. "And the fact that Gilderoy Lockhart is teaching it doesn't have anything to do with it at all."

Hermione turned a bright, suspicious red when Ron turned to gape at her. "Don't tell me that stupid git is back again!"

"He is _not _a stupid git!" Hermione insisted. "And no, he doesn't have anything to do with it." She glared at Harry. 

"Why is he suddenly teaching yoga?" Ron asked.

"After he lost his memory -" Ron and Harry snickered. "After he lost his memory -" They snickered again, so Hermione plowed on determinedly, "he was sent to an excellent rehabilitation center to regain it. He got interested in yoga, decided to cast off his life of heroism -" This time they snorted. "-and so he's teaching it. And I'm one of his students. So there."

Harry picked up a toenail clipper. "So there, Ron." He told him.

Ron laughed. "So there, Harry." He retorted. "Oh, Gilderoy, Gilderoy, wherefore art thou Gilderoy? Deny thy stupid gitness and refuse thy life of _heroism_ and the Hermione Grangers they will come a-flocking . ."

Harry howled in laughter. Ever since Ron had taken the class on _Muggle Literature And How To Interpret it _he'd taken to spouting Shakespeare.

Well, his version of Shakespeare anyway.

Hermione's face was bright red, and she snarled, "Funny. Very funny."

"It is." Harry remarked, cutting off his big toenail. He frowned at it. "Ouch. That hurts."

Hermione snatched the toenail clipper and jabbed it at his face. "It is _not _funny! Yoga is a very serious undertaking. _You _guys couldn't take it -"

"Well, maybe we will." Ron retorted. 

Hermione smirked. 

"Yea." Harry said dubiously. "Maybe we will." He snatched the toenail clipper and clipped viciously. "OWWWW!"

"What are you guys doing here?" Ginny squealed excitedly. She tugged on Draco's sleeve. "Look, Draco!"

Draco turned to face them, his face a flaming red. He looked like a tomato with white roots. Bleached white roots, Ron told himself derisively.

"Hey, Malfoy." Harry sniggered. This was too good to pass up. "Refocusing your chi, eh?"

"That's _energy, _Harry." Ron scolded, snickering. 

Draco grabbed Harry by the robes. "I'm only here because Ginny wanted to try it out." He hissed through clenched teeth. "What's _your _excuse?"

Harry's face fell. What _was _his excuse? _Well, hey, I decided to come because Ron over here was taunting Hermione and he got the worst of it._ "Henpecked wizard." He retorted, avoiding the question. "Maybe we should start calling you Miss Malfoy, eh?"

"Maybe I should start calling you Pimpled Potter, eh?" Draco retorted.

Harry's hands flew defensively to the new patch of pimples which had sprouted the day before. He'd diligently covered it with '_Acne Blaster' _but it didn't seem to be working. He stared enviously at Draco's smooth skin and sputtered, "Well, well -"

"Let's go sit down, Draco." Ginny bubbled, appearing by his side. She seemed oblivious to the dagger-edged stares being exchanged and beamed brilliantly at Ron. "The class is about to start."

"Of course, sweet." Draco said sweetly, aware that his last shot had busted it's mark wide open. He wiggled his fingers triumphantly. "See you later, kiddies." 

Ron snatched Harry's collar and stopped him from running Draco down. "Wisely and slow." He said portentously. "They stumble that run fast."

"I hate Shakespeare." Harry told him. "You know that, right?"

Ron ignored him. "Lets find Hermione and sit down."

"Shouldn't be too hard." Harry told him, pointing at the brown head in the front row, right in front of the teacher's mat. 

They were sitting together, Ron tapping his foot impatiently. "Where is the stupid git?" he growled. 

"For the last time, Ron, he _is not a stupid git!_" Hermione growled back. She scowled. He scowled. They scowled at each other.

Harry picked at his zits.

Suddenly the sound of drums filled the air, building up to a loud and ostentatious drum roll. Over it, a shrill, smiling voice piped out, a voice Harry had sincerely hoped never to hear again. 

"Welcome, comrades!" Gilderoy Lockhart said.

Harry and Ron watched, their mouths agape, as he swept into the room. Hermione sighed dreamily. Ron glanced at her in disgust and muttered, "Within the infant rind of this clever witch, attraction to stupid gits hath residence and -"

Harry kicked him in the shins to stop him, still staring open-mouthed at Lockhart. Hermione wasn't paying attention anyway.

Gilderoy Lockhart stood, for a drama-filled moment, at the front of the room. 

His blonde hair had been grown out, to swish silkily over his shoulders. His teeth flashed in the brilliant beam he bestowed on them. He didn't wear the flashy, silk robes that he had worn as a teacher, he wore flashier satin robes, covered with gold embroidered stars and moons. He looked like a bad imitation of Merlin.

"Comrades." Lockhart said mistily, opening his arms wide. "I open my arms wide to embrace you in my loving fold. Many of you may have met me when I was here as a teacher -" the white teeth flashed again. " - and what a fulfilling teacher I was! Now I come back to you a different man - no less wonderful nor worthy, simply different - and to those of you who know me - and many of you do, of course - I have changed my name." He paused dramatically. "Yes!" he cried. "No longer am I Gilderoy Lockhart, defender of innocents, fighter of the guilty! No longer do I live that life of physical heroism! Now I turn my sights to mental heroism - certainly a heroism not less than that of the physical self! I am now," he paused again. "Gilderoy _Loveheart_!"

Harry choked. Ron gagged out," Marry, come up, I throw up!"

Hermione sighed dreamily.

Harry could hear Ginny saying uncertainly in the back, "I don't get it."

He could hear Draco's reply, "If it makes Potter choke, I don't care if I get it or not."

"Now, class, for sake of greater mental clearance, I want you all to regroup yourselves into two sections, male and female!"

"Probably wants the wizards out of the way so that he can have full witch attention." Ron muttered to Harry under his breath as they got up. They watched in disgust as Draco and Ginny exchanged a loving kiss before separating. They watched in horror as Hermione started giggling madly with Parvati and Lavender, their eyes glued to _Loveheart's _backside. They watched in absolute terror as _Loveheart _breezed down the middle of the room, efficiently separating the girls and the boys.

They stopped watching and morosely moved to their side. The boys' side of the room was woefully unfilled. Draco filled one corner, his arms crossed defensively across his chest, sneering at the other corner, where Neville stood, cradling Trevor protectively. Harry and Ron stood at the boundary.

The girls' side of the room was so full that it made Loveheart beam in anticipation of gushing idolatry.

"Now then!" Loveheart cried, smiling. "Sit down! Sit down!" He himself plopped onto the teacher's mat at the front and crossed his legs, holding out his arms again. Harry devoutly hoped that the class wouldn't take too long. He had to reapply his _Acne Blaster _in half an hour.

The boys reluctantly sat down. 

The girls giggled as they sat.

Harry groaned. It was going to be a _long _class.

"How did Hermione talk us into this?" Ron asked Harry.

"Does it hurt to be an idiot?" Harry hissed back.

Ron nodded glumly. "I have a feeling it's about to hurt a whole lot more."

They sat together, diligently avoiding Malfoy's sneer and giving Neville weak smiles.

"Sit in the lotus position!" Loveheart bellowed.

They sat in the lotus position, grimacing painfully. Draco hissed a curse under his breath. 

"And now." Loveheart said, breathing heavily as he heaved himself into the lotus position.

"You like Shakespeare, right?" Draco asked Ron, innocently. Ron wasn't fooled. 

"What's it to you?" he snarled.

Draco smirked and pointed at Harry. He proclaimed in a loud, mock-dramatic voice, "Out, damned zit, out I say!"

Harry turned beet red and tried frantically to come up with something smart to say. "Well, well -"

"Well, well -" Draco mimicked.

"Stop that!" Harry growled.

Draco smirked even harder and opened his mouth -

"And NOW!" Loveheart bellowed, floating ceremoniously in the air.

Draco started visibly. He jolted forward and kicked at his own privates.

"OWWWWW!" he howled.

Harry howled in laughter. "Look at that, Ron! Look! The idiot kicked himself in the ba-"

"What's happening here?" Professor McGonagall rapped out.

"Professor McGonagall!" Ron gasped. "What are _you _doing here -" understanding dawned on his face and he gaped at Professor McGonagall. "Don't tell me _you _like -"

Professor McGonagall bit out tersely," Do you value your Gryffindor points?"

Ron shut up.

Professor McGonagall swept out of the room. "And a little threat of detention clears her of this deed." Ron mumbled bitterly.

"Maybe you should stop quoting Shakespeare." Neville suggested quietly, clutching Trevor, who was floating in the air, his eyes bugged out, upside down, close to him.

"Maybe you should stop being such a wimp."

Neville scowled at Draco. "No one asked you."

"No one asked you either!"

"Well -"

"Well, go take care of your stupid toad."

Neville lunged at Draco, furious. "He is not stupid!"

Draco choked, his face turning purple. Ron easily yanked Neville off him. "Stop it, Neville. You'll lose Gryffindor a point."

"Strangling is an offense worth two hundred points, at least!" Draco scratched out hoarsely.

"Not when he's strangling you, Malfoy."

Malfoy lunged at him. Harry drew back warily, and Ron said, "They have tied me to a stake, and bear-like -"

Malfoy gave him a quelling look. Ron was quelled. 

Harry shouted, "Duck!"

Loveheart had been demonstrating the way to stop an earthworm from crawling in their ears when they were trying to become one with nature, and in his exuberance he had waved his wand around. In their direction.

Neville choked out an earthworm.

"I _told _you to duck." Harry said reproachfully.

"Duck this!" Neville sputtered, enraged, pointing his wand at Harry.

Harry ducked. 

Hermione's ears grew.

She clapped her hands over them. "Harry!" she screeched.

"Now, Hermione," Lavender said warily.

Hermione stamped her foot and pointed at Harry. Ron got hit.

Ron hit Lavender.

Lavender hit Ginny.

Ginny hit Neville again.

Loveheart hit himself.

That ended the class.

As they were staggering out of the infirmary, Ron said sourly, "Hermione, next time you want to join a yoga class, don't tell us about it, all right?"

"It hurts to be an idiot." Harry agreed. He picked at his zit.


End file.
